This is what my depression looks like. Its starting a project with energy, excitement, & determination. And then its letting it sit there unfinished for a month because you feel like you are being held under water with no desire or energy to finish. So it sits in front of your house- a constant daily reminder that you've failed yet again. It stares at you, it taunts you, & it never lets you know that you have dropped the ball once again.
My depression is...
boxes still not unpacked and set aside in the basement
walls not decorated
closet not set up
garage filled with forgotten keepsakes waiting to be added to our new home
My depression is an ever powerful, evil, lurking pest. I can't shake some days. Some days I feel like someone is holding me under water & the only way to get up is to actually GET UP but I can't. I rarely have the energy to get up.
I fake it a lot. Fake smiles, fake conversations, fake that I have it semi together when inside I'm often times falling apart.
For me depression is like an old lover that I can't shake. Just when I think I have gotten it out of my life it comes barreling back, fucking up everything. It shows up with no notice and no invite. It constantly pulls me into the dark and truth be told I'm scared without light. It steals my laugh, my happiness, my real smile. I hate myself when its around. I never do anything right and it makes me doubt everything I do. The desire to improve myself, to be a wonderful mother and wife is taken away when depression is present. I'm not a good mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend, aunt, person when depression is around. I hate that it has that sort of power over me.
I'm lazy, moody, tired, mean when depression is present. It truly sucks the life right out of me and crushes my soul. I don't want to go through life with this constant shadow lurking- waiting to pounce at just the right moment. I hate having to text my husband and say hey the kids are being fantastic today but its a "bad day" in my head.
I'm tired of letting people down. I'm just plain tired.
Depression-please go the hell away.
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