Yesterday I spent about an hour writing a blog regarding my anxiety. It was basically a history of my fight with the illness dating back to when I was 8. I pretty much laid it all out there. I was an open book and I was very vulnerable in the post. I was all set to wake up this morning and publish it.
And then I woke up in a panic and I immediately knew why. I couldn’t post that blog. I couldn’t post something that would show so much of myself, that would put me on display as a vulnerable person. That wasn’t allowed.
You see I don’t allow myself to show weakness to other people. I hate crying in front of people & I don’t let myself. There have been so many situations where I needed to cry- where I felt like I truly needed to just scream out loud out of frustration and heartbreak and I wouldn’t. I sat there swallowing it all down, my chest feeling tight from all the emotions. If you have seen me really cry you are one of few… But you should know that after I cried in front of you I hated myself for doing it.
I don’t see crying and being vulnerable BY other people weak. In fact, I encourage and applaud those that do it. But I don’t allow myself those same luxuries.
I often come across as cold because of this. Someone could be sitting in front of me crying and I don’t join in on their crying. I oftentimes don’t know what to say to comfort them and I rarely know if I should reach out and touch them. So I sit there hating myself. Does that mean I don’t care? Hell no. I have a great deal of empathy & love for people. And I am always a welcome sounding board for anyone. But I do let them know that I will more than likely NOT have the comforting words they need. Just another reason to hate myself.
So back to this morning- I got up and knew right away what I had to do. I got my computer and I deleted the blog post I spent an hour on. The blog post that was a 3 page look into all the ways anxiety affected my life, how it all started, the despair I felt during the severe anxious times. I couldn’t do it. I wanted to but I couldn’t.
I have people tell me that sharing my anxiety stories help them and others. I hope that’s true as that’s why I share. I never want anyone to feel alone like I did because of a mental illness. And I will always speak and share about it. But I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to let my guard down enough to share the nitty gritty.
The other night I had a panic attack. I was in bed and the only other person in the room was my husband. The panic attack was brief but left me crying and feeling open and raw. Do you know that I apologized after it? I said I was sorry for being ridiculous and made myself stop crying. I told him that I shouldn’t be crying and that I was sorry over and over. He comforted me and of course told me it was okay to have those emotions. But I didn’t think so. I went bed regretting crying, feeling ashamed for my behavior.
I am a wear your heart on your sleeve kind of person when I’m expressing my love for my family. I shower them all with verbal love all day every day and I always will. But when it comes to how I feel I don’t. I’m feeling sad-get over it. I’m feeling mad- say a couple of cuss words and then move on. Disappointed? I shrug and say oh well that’s life. I say its okay when its not, I don’t let people see how their actions affect me...Is that how I’m feeling inside? Of course not. But that’s ALL I allow. I will not let myself be seen as weak and I never let anyone see my vulnerable side. If you are one of the few, I regretted it and felt like I let you down.
I let YOU down.
I don't know where it comes from-this idea that I disappoint people when I let my guard down but its been there for a long time. I’m sure its not true but its not easy convincing my brain of that.
Know that when I say crying, sharing emotions, anything like that is weak I don’t mean you. I think its amazing that people can do that. I just can’t.
I wonder if that will ever change.
Until next time
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