They said to introduce yourself when launching a blog. I’m not sure how to do that without boring you to tears… It will become increasingly obvious from future posts that I am highly sarcastic. It’s a great coping mechanism… But that’s not get so deep so fast... I’m an almost 34 stay at home mama with a small photography business that I have been running for the last 5 years. My children are insane but my everything. You will learn quickly that I am not one of those parents who act like my children are perfect. Uhhh nope. Not around here. They are my everything but they drive me crazy on a daily basis. I’m happily married to my best friend. This year will mark 7 years which is insane to think about seeing as before my husband my longest relationship was 2 months. We just moved into our dream house in November, got 2 puppies in December, & have been crazed since. My hope is to give you a peek into my daily life- the good, the bad, the ungodly ugly….
I use to be a pretty good writer. Words use to flow from me easily and there were very few times that I didn’t have the right words almost instantly. & then life happened. I graduated college. I fell in love. I got married. I had a baby. I started a business. I had another baby. I became a homeowner. Most days there is barely time to take a shower let alone sit down for an hour and write.
I have been told many times “write what you know”. What do I know? What did I know before? When I was in college most of my short stories and blogs centered around relationships. The woes that came from broken promises; the deep hurt when you’re proven insignificant to someone that you cherish; the small town where you grew up and knew like the back of your hand; and mostly about the one man you could never truly walk away from even though he was always backing away from you. That’s what I knew then. I wrote about loser guys, nights out, relationships that seemed so important and ended up being just a silly disappointment. I wrote all the time. I had a journal that was my lifeline. I blogged constantly on silly MySpace (yes, I’m aware that I just aged myself greatly) and I wrote short stories. As I said, words came so quickly I could barely type them fast enough. But now? Its just all blank. A black screen in my mind over and over.
Write what you know. Well, what do I know NOW? I know about the daily struggles & beautiful bliss of having a successful & healthy marriage. I now know about my anxiety which was nameless in my early 20’s. I know about running a business; about the fact that you might never be as great as the person next to you but you have to keep going no matter what. I learned about the disappointments when sometimes you put yourself out there in such a personal way and it ends up flopping.
But what do I know now more than anything? Parenthood. I am a mother. That is my main title right now. I don’t have an outside job. I never pictured myself in this role and sometimes I cannot believe this is my life. I went to college to change diapers, pour non-stop apple juice, console a heartbroken child when their favorite sippy cup is dirty, & clean the same mess up 6 times in the course of 2 hours. You do know the true definition of insanity right?
Staying home all day every day is a challenge; not so much in the work (but trust me the work never stops) but in the emotional & mental roller coaster you go through on a daily basis. Let’s be real-an hourly basis. Am I a good enough mommy? Are my children watching too much tv? My child couldn’t possibly love me after I just screamed bloody murder when I got overwhelmed. How many days has it been since I’ve seen the outside world? Or spoken to an adult that I’m not married to? They say the days are long and the years are short. That statement could not be more true. Each and every day ends with me flopping into bed absolutely exhausted. Not exhausted in that I could sleep for 16 hours straight tired. But more like I want to curl up into a ball, cry, hide under my covers, and enter the witness protection program for a few weeks vacation kinda exhaustion. You are spending your days doubting, questioning, over analyzing, hiding, praying, begging, yelling, playing, loving, being everything to everyone. During the day YOU no longer exist. You are mommy and that’s it so you better get ready.
That’s what I know. I know the ups and downs of raising two children, one that requires a bit more work due to a delay. There are so many emotions attached to watching your child struggle with something. There is guilt, tears, heartbreak, hope against hope that one day it will click and she won’t struggle so much. Worry that she won’t fit in, that adults will judge her, and children torture her. I know that. That is my day to day life.
Most days I feel alone. I often think that this isn’t normal what I go through. Other people probably don’t have to struggle with this stuff and this struggle is my fault. If I was a better mommy life would be better and easier for everyone in this house. If I didn’t have anxiety and over think every damn thing, these struggles wouldn’t be here.
But I’m slowly learning I’m not alone. There are other parents out there struggling… Either because their children are sick, their children have a delay that holds them back a bit, or even just because the kids woke up in a crazy mood and you can barely get through the day.
We are not alone.
I will share my journey. I will share the good, the bad, the truly truly ugly. I don’t sugar coat anything and that includes my life. My life is far from perfect and I couldn’t be a less perfect parent if I tried. But I will share my journey. I will share about my daughter’s LPD, about my good days and my bad, my failures and successes. I will share it so YOU don’t feel alone. So you don’t sit in your closet after everyone goes to sleep and sob in your pillow because you feel like you are doing everything wrong and that every single failure is your fault. I am here to share, to support, to be the least perfect parent in the world that won’t judge you in any way…
Until next time...
Katie
The seeker
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